


Forever My Only Dearest Love

by seperis



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Humor, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-04-11
Updated: 2000-04-11
Packaged: 2017-10-03 16:53:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seperis/pseuds/seperis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Co-Author:  Bishclone.</p><p>B'Elanna, stuck aboard the USS True Love, has something to tell us all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forever My Only Dearest Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is from current me to the me who wrote this with Kat--wow, you and Kat weren't drunk, but maybe you should have been.

**Breakfast in the Messhall**

"I've loved you forever," Chakotay whispered soulfully.

I took a deep drink of my coffee and prepared to control my stomachs. This was not, and I repeat _not_, a conversation for those who have anything resembling taste, or even a slight allergy to huge, public, over-eggs-and-coffee, look at me aren't I the model of psychiatric health outpourings of emotion. And no, I am not being melodramatic. Okay, maybe just a little...

"I can't believe it took me this long to realize the power and truth of my feelings."

I just knew I shouldn't look at them, but sometimes, you've just gotta. You've gotta take a deep breath, jump in, and pray to Kahless that you don't get nauseous.

Or start laughing too hard.

As we all know, that tends to kill the mood.

Chakotay and Tom were leaning halfway across the table, staring deeply into each others eyes. Hands clasped, no less.

I _really_ didn't need this. I checked the chronometer--fifteen minutes until my shift started.

"I never believed it could be this--that it would be True Love!"

That was way too long. And I only had a half a cup of coffee left.

Pass the bucket, please. Damn, starships don't have buckets. Well, last time I checked inventory they didn't. Maybe I should bring that up at the next crew appraisal...

"I never loved her, Chaky," Tom told Chaky--damn, Chakotay!--longingly. "It was just incredible, heart-pounding sex! That was all! Incredibly exciting, sweaty, Doctor-intervention-requiring, Klingon sex! That's all it ever could be! I never felt close to her--never!!!!!"

I considered that. Doctor intervention had only been required a few times--and was it my fault his bones broke so easily? How was I supposed to know he wasn't double-jointed? Or ambidexstrous...and Kahless, they chucked me out of the Academy long before Human biology. Not that it wouldn't be, in hindsight, fun to see how far back that neck would go...

"Neelix," I called. He bustled over, looking like an odd cross between a beaver and my cousin Worf. I held up my cup. "More, please."

"I never cared about the Captain--I knew I was longing only for you! You alone! Even in the depths of what I thought was hatred--I knew it was more! I knew I couldn't live a moment longer without you! I want you--to bear my children, run when I call, and be my personal bitch!"

He was good at hiding it, I'll give him that much. I took another drink of coffee. And 'Personal bitch' my, my the language was getting...flowery?

"Let us go consummate our union now!" Tom said fervently, covering the entirety of Chaky's--I mean, Chakotay's!--big hands with fiery kisses.

Chaky--Chakotay, damn it!--leaped to his feet and pulled Tom from the room.

I finished my coffee, stretching my back.

* * *

**Lunch in the Messhall**

"I never knew love until I met you!"

Same warning--but have a sense of humor! It's not every day you see two cases of True Love on the same ship! I wonder what happened to Chakotay, I mean, Tom's good, mmm yeah....huh? Sorry, like I said, Chakotay, does he know his paramour is making eyes at the Ops officer?

"I always thought you only thought of me as a kid brother!" Harry answered, gazing soulfully into Tom's grey?--blue?--who can tell?--eyes.

"Neelix," I called. He scuttled over. "Can I get some bloodwine?"

It was going to be a long lunch.

"She was nothing to me! Nothing! Only heart-pumping, hair-tearing, wild Klingon sex! She tied me down and made me fight with her! She had temper tantrums! She demanded sex at all hours! She-she never does engineering stuff anymore! I _never_ wanted that! I want someone I can dominate and control--you, oh my little brother! Love of my life!" He punctuated each declaration with hot kisses down Harry's arm. And that was tired, real tired, he who'd slept with every ensign, crewman, plasma conduit and hologram on the ship was using an old trick twice...he was going to have to up the stakes when it came to Janeway, Seven, Tuvok...Neelix...

Poor Neelix, poor Worf-esque, dam-builder that he is.

And I don't require sex at all hours. Four times a day, max--yeah, I know, I'm getting older. I'm losing my stamina, but on a good day....

I was pretty certain Harry would pass out--swoon?--in sheer delight.

That or have a major coronary and die...again.

"I know, Tom! I always knew! She's my best friend, but I hate her too!"

I liked how Harry was getting into the spirit of things. He never could get the spine to stand alone, poor baby. And regarding the Engineering thing, yeah, okay, so I've been a little lax, you know, just sometimes can't a girl relax, put her feet up, beat her boyfriend to a bloody -- yet still oddly attractive-- pulp and not have everyone breathing down her neck...? Do we not live in the 24th century...and who the hell died and made you Janeway?

"Let's go have sex right now!" Tom exclaimed, jumping to his feet. Winced--ah, that was from last night, when I broke another rib. I hid my smile behind my cup. He really needs to drink more calcium.

They run for the door, hand in hand.

* * *

**Dinner in the Messhall**

"You're the only one I've ever wanted!"

Hmmm...leola root stew again. Damn. And I burned all my replicator rations out on new power cells for the osteoregenerator last night.

"Chain of command be damned--I no longer care what happens when we get back to the Alpha Quadrant--not that I seriously ever thought we'd get back, but that was for crew morale, you know! I want you since I first laid eyes on you in that Federation pris--I mean, Rehabilitation Center! Only you, my love!

The only one I ever wanted! I love you!"

Interesting...leaning over the table, hands clasped, staring into each other's indeterminately-colored eyes--why can't we ever make up our minds on that, anyway?--seemed familiar. Three cases of True Love. I feel privileged. Ring side seats and everything, you think I could ask for autographs?

"You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" he breathed, trailing fiery kisses down her wrist--again. He's got to work on his originality.

"B'Elanna meant nothing to me--nothing!!!!! She was nothing but a phase--my need for sex with a fit young woman who could exhaust me and made me require tons of regeneration each night! She was nothing but a terrible mistake that I just had to keep up for years because I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!!!!! The sex was so incredible, I just couldn't stop, couldn't think of anything but how much I wanted her, needed her--I mean, er, needed to be beaten the hell out of every night! But I've matured since then! I know what I want is a stable old-eh, older woman who only requires twice a week performance at best!"

"I've never loved anyone but you!" she cried, tears streaming aesthetically down her face, yet oddly never reddening her indeterminate colored eyes.

You've got to be impressed--don't tell me you're not. I wouldn't believe you anyway, I mean, look at that, look at the delivery, the inflection, the oh-so perfect bob...you see, my hair won't do that...not that I want to look like I just finished my vacation at the poodle parlour...

"I am hopelessly in love with you! You are the only woman for me!"

Oh pur-lease, it's not like I haven't heard that one before...not quite in canon but...oh...just have an imagination will you!

"Tom," Janeway answered raptuously, "let us go consummate our relationship now!"

He's got to be tired by now. And his chest hair gets all limp when he's fatigued, well now, not that that's the only thing. He scooted to the door a little more slowly, and I think he looked a little worried. Janeway is just full of energy--but then seven years without sex tends to do that to one...well, excluding Kashyk, but from what I heard, Devorans have weird--

Ah, never mind. That's neither here nor there. Or really there at all.

And I sit casually back in my chair, twirling a piece of hair around my finger and smiling at the whole thing...

You see, dear author, I'm still here, didn't vaporise, didn't suddenly have my particles melded, melted or mottled...yup, still got a pulse, still an evil, vindictive, mad-as-hell Klingon bitch with a vendetta...I can play my part well, right?

And forgetting about me, and poor, poor Neelix over there, well, just isn't healthy...

You think I'm going to let him go without a fight?

Those are my bones to break.

Mine.

"Torres to Chakotay"

What is it a girl to do?

Hey and don't call me 'Turtle Head'...I heard that...I'm watching you...Kahless, if I wasn't stuck in this bloody awful parody (and ladies, come on, you could have done better) then I'd...well I'd...

**Fin**

Is this what it looks like when the story ends?

It's...

....dark.


End file.
